


Eyelashes

by Littlefangirlatheart



Series: Snowbaz song fics [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Feelings, Heavy Angst, Lack of Communication, Lots of Angst, M/M, Post-Book 1: Carry On, Pre-Book 2: Wayward Son, They dont talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27858813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlefangirlatheart/pseuds/Littlefangirlatheart
Summary: Simon and Baz don't talk, they can't. There's nothing like before and their relationship is falling. They don't know how to save it, how to save themselves.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Snowbaz song fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2039490
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Eyelashes

**Author's Note:**

> Another song fic! The song is Pestañas by David Rees and it is as angsty as this fic. :)  
> I would like to thank @sharing-a-room-with-an-open-fire and @satsukii on tumblr because I didn't think people would be hyped up for this, it's angst after all.

**SIMON**

I … I don't know how to talk with Baz anymore.

Sometimes I wish all these feelings would go away so that I could feel normal again.

I love him, he doesn't know how much I love him and I can't tell him. I don't know how. I wonder if my feelings are real sometimes, if I can't say them aloud are they even there? How will he know he is not wasting his time with me if I can't even hold his hand.

I just stay all day sitting on this damn sofa watching whatever's on the tv and avoiding the looks Penelope sends my way. I don't know how to be me anymore. I lost myself entirely and I wish I could go back to the me from a year before. 

When I was fearless and brave.

When I went around solving mysteries and saving magic. 

When I could kiss him and hug him and be happy. 

Nothing's like before.

Maybe if I tried harder it would be. But it's hard and I can't. Fighting monsters was a piece of cake compared to this war against myself. I am my own enemy now. It's hilarious, really. I got rid of The Humdrum who coincidentally looks just like me to have him now fighting harder than ever, but the World of Mages is no longer in danger. Only the shadow of its savior is now.

I can never get out of this fucking coach. Maybe it's full of ghosts, my ghosts. They're not like the ghosts in the magical sense, not like the apparitions at Watford or the ones on Baz’s house. No. not like that at all. I wish they were, then I could just be near Baz and the fear would go away. But it's all that stuff on my head, my therapist said it was the trauma. PTSD. I think that’s what she said. I haven’t gone back to her. It's been weeks since then, maybe more. I don't feel the passage of time anymore. I was meaning to go back, even though I don’t understand why I need to relieve things that my own brain blocked to keep me safe but I couldn’t. it all sounded like bullshit to be honest.

Baz is here now, he sent me a pitying look and then took my cider away, I think he is making tea. It's hard watching him being this nice. It pains me to no end watching him being soft, being nice to me. He doesn’t deserve this. He is so perfect. He deserves better, not this mess. Not me. Someone who is magical and who has his shit together, someone who knows all his posh literature and is smart. Someone as handsome as him.

Maybe it's time for me to let go. Free him so he can find someone who deserves him.

Baz once said we matched, how could we ever. Yes, he is a vampire but he is still perfect. Me? I'm just a boy, maybe I was powerful before, not at his level but good enough. That’s probably what made him like me but there’s no magic left in me, not even a spark of what it used to be. Well there’s the wings and the tail, a painful reminder of what I once was, a thing I’ll never be again. But no longer the golden boy who killed monsters and was made of magic. No longer a hero, and definitely not someone out of a legend. 

Nothing to offer anymore.

**BAZ**

We were so happy at the start. I remember Christmas at Hampshire just a few months ago. Yes it wasn’t perfect or anything but it was ours. I finally had what I wanted, I thought he wanted it too. But now I’m not sure.

I was so happy that Simon Snow was my boyfriend that I didn’t think about how he was after the white chapel, and when he stopped therapy I thought my love for him would be enough. Idiot. Im so stupid.

“Simon” I say.

He doesn't reply, doesn't even look at me.

I think he is ignoring me.

He doesn't want this anymore. Doesn't want me.

Did he ever want me? 

The love of my life is suffering so much and I can't do anything to stop the hurting, so I make him tea. I sit with him in the living room watching whatever's on tv, I put a blanket on him, I fluff the pillows and look at him. I tried talking to him when he stopped therapy, he yelled at me. like before but not quite. It was worst. now when he’s not avoiding me he gets angry. We don’t fight, no more snarky comments or punches in the nose. but I can see he is annoyed at me, at penny, i think he is mad at himself too. I hate that. but he wont let me help. just loving him doesn't fix it. but i am young and have no experience, i think no one would really get this situation. how do you come back from killing the one you thought was your master? from watching the kindest person you know die in front of your eyes. from sacrificing all your magic, your essence to a word that doesn't care about you anymore. the fact that someone loves you wont take the memories of everything you lost away. it wont do a goddamn thing. but i hoped. stupid, stupid, stupid.

I know he wants this relationship to be over. He hates me, he always has. How could ever be so naïve to think Simon Snow could ever truly love me. But he hasn’t said anything yet. He hasn’t told me to go away and I’ll cling into what little hope there is. even if there is just a bit of light then i will follow it, i will hold it close to my chest and hope.

If it's on me then I’ll never let him go. I can't. I love him too much for my own good. But everyday it's harder to keep up with this. It feels like walking on spiderwebs. Every time I close my eyes he gets farther away from me. I’m losing him and I don’t know what to do to stop him. 

I should have done something to keep us from falling into this. I should have secured our relationship. I should have seen this coming. It’s my fault it's come to this. it's my fault he won't even look me in the eyes. but everything i saw was on rose tinted glass those first months. and then when we started college i thought everything was going to be okay. I saw roses all around me, the world was warm and colorful. i was so high on my fantasies, so happy Simon was with me that i didn't think about anything else. and look where that brought us.

**SIMON**

I have to be brave. I have to break up with him. Or find a way to make us shine like before. Let him go, it doesn’t have to be final, maybe until I get my shit together. but maybe i never will. It's not fair. He shouldn't have to be tied to me. just because he promised all those months ago to be by my side doesn't mean he has to suffer through all of this.

_“you were the sun’’_

_“golden boy’’_

_“chosen one’’_

I’m not any of those things anymore. If Baz thinks I am then he is blind. I don’t want him to stay with me for the hell of it or pity, or because he thinks I’ll ever be that golden boy from Watford again. He is in love with the person I was not with the one I am. Who could be? it's impossible to love the version of me i am now.

Baz shouldn’t even be surprised by this. I was never good at anything and he was always the first one to remind me that. I sucked at magic, I sucked at being with Agatha, I sucked at school. The only thing I was ever good for was fighting dark creatures and wielding swords and look where that got me. Turns out I was the baddie all along. and at the end i couldn't do anything right. I can't even live like a Normal.

**BAZ**

Fighting would be better than this. About anything. That would mean Simon talking to me, or touching me, even if it's a punch, and at this point I will get whatever I can, even if it hurts. I have to be by his side.

_Oh Simon._

No one said it was going to be easy. Least of all us who almost don’t talk anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I hope you liked it! You can come yell at me on tumblr at @dreamigkc  
> You can check the song that inspired all this angst here: https://open.spotify.com/track/5PBQndUBpP39ngdXQwDtSH


End file.
